You know those days when you question everything you do? It’s been one of those weeks. But a friend, one I don’t know well, but look forward to learning more about soon, reached out today. She encouraged me so much with her words about my writing, and for that I’m grateful. But I’m more grateful that she allowed me to share her heart here, as I think you’ll find a woman with a heart after God, even in the midst of pain. When I hear people who have it all together (or seem to), I’m sometimes discouraged that I’ll never be them. But then I remember that most of us are struggling in some ways, and when we share, we can lift each other up.
“This has been the longest year of my life. I spent much of it in prayer asking for God’s will to overpower my life and dedicated all my time to Him and the word. Initially I hoped His will was to reunite my marriage into a healthy and loving unity. Withholding many details out of respect for my family, I will only say it was a very unhealthy situation, physically and emotionally and the separation was a must. I had to bear an extreme amount of guilt for demanding such, but made it clear it was only to hold him accountable to his responsibility to make changes that were necessary to maintain a safe home. I had stood by his side for 15 years waiting and praying for the changes he promised to become our reality.
He’s dated pretty much the entire separation but just lied about it. I still continued to pray for God’s will. I was willing to give forgiveness and honor our vows of marital commitment to each other and God. I also knew though the “changes” must be visible and that words I had heard so many times before were not going to enough for me to ensure we “broke the cycle.” I realized at some point his free will was not going in the same direction as mine and I had no choice but to begin to rebuild myself, my life with my children and focus solely on growing my intimate relationship with the one man who will always love me unconditionally without leaving me side, Jesus Christ. Yet, I still did not pursue divorce. I am sure there were many reason but one major one was simply avoiding the inevitable. Without us being able to agree on the conditions of the divorce, my children would be forced to see facts and traits in their father I had protected them from for so long. I still pray they are able to have a positive relationship with him in the future. I only want to keep the burden on their hearts to a minimum and still keep them safe.
Well, he is no longer willing to lie about his life choices. He did work to rebuild, not much change but rebuild, it just wasn’t in the direction of our family but for himself. He is ready for his new found joy (relationship w/ other children involved) to be not only in the open but introduced to our children. I can now only pray they know God is with them when I can not be. I hope they understand I consult God in all my decisions and am truly making every effort to show Grace to what I call my Judas.
I am more than ready to close this miserable chapter of my journey but that forces me to look to the future. What is in store. Is my faith strong enough to continue to work to be the person I am looking for is looking for. Can I keep my hands off the wheel long enough to let God bring someone into my life that will honor Him with me? If I do feel care for someone, is putting myself out there even a good idea.. While I worry about all these things, scared I could miss an opportunity… I try to remember it is not for me to figure out.
I can not see the big picture God has for for his people, not just me. My role may be minute. What I do know though is God has plans to prosper me and not to harm me and only He knows the plans He has. I will continue to try to rest in those facts along and not allow negative thoughts nor my desire to influence the outcome to take away the peace he promises.”
I’m thankful that even in the storm of her life, this woman is waiting and relying on Him. What an encouragement to me today, and a reminder that He is always there. Pray with me for this friend today, that she feels His love always.