Jumping Off

I almost always feel like I’m on a spinning carousel, that’s going too fast and making me a bit ill, with it’s fancy horses, bright lights, and tinny music. Every now and then I jump off, but it’s such a short time of being off, that the spinning never feels like it stopped. You know what it’s like, when you were a kid and would roller skate around a rink for hours and afterwards you still felt like walking was foreign, or when you step off a boat and still feel the waves. So I step off and before the spinning feeling stops, it’s time to get back on.

And here’s the thing, I want back on. Those lights! That music! It’s so much fun! Before it makes me dizzy and sick again.

A few weeks ago the spinning was too much, and I decided to make one small change for a week. I was going to stay off Facebook.

As I write this, it’s been almost two weeks since I’ve been on Facebook.

The spinning from my interactions on Facebook had been too much and I’d gotten lost in waves of dizziness. Caring too much about what others thought, about what they said and how they hurt me, about if I was liked enough or good enough or whatever enough.  And I jumped off. But mostly I was hiding out, catching my breath and praying that when I got back on I’d be able to keep out of the fray. I decided it was easier, less messy and maybe necessary that I just stay away for good.

But I had these few hours just last night that reminded me of some things…. what it feels like to laugh hysterically, what it feels like to truly listen when someone is pouring out their heart, but mostly the need to create these spaces to do that. So no, Facebook isn’t perfect, but it’s a tool to connect when used right. Not a place to get likes on your photos, or find funny videos, or get your news (I mean seriously, who thinks that’s a reliable source?). It can be so much more when we use it right.

So I’m jumping back on Facebook… as soon as I post this. And I’m trying to do it differently. Spend less time on it, not let it replace true interaction, and make my own music. And I emphasize trying because I know I’ll get dizzy again and struggle with all that again…. because that’s what I do.

See you there.

Laughter, Grace and Monkeys

A few days ago Drew was headed to bed and we heard a bang and him cry out. Michael and I ran into his room and in the darkness it took a few seconds to realize he was laying in the floor just in front of the door. He’d stepped on an air pump, causing it to flip up and hit him in the shin. He then fell, and hit his eye on his bookshelf. And then apparently when we rushed in, Michael hit the door into his head. We laughed. A lot.

We tied for the bad parent of the year award. We had to go back in and apologize once we realized how hurt he was. And then we laughed again once we walked out.

And that is probably just one of a thousand things I did wrong this week alone. Some realities about me:

– I laugh at inappropriate times
– I hold a grudge
– I get my feelings hurt when I know I shouldn’t
– I obsess
– I spend too much time on things that don’t matter and not enough on the relationships that do
– I avoid what I don’t want to deal with
– and the list could go on…

That’s what makes the fact of God’s grace so amazing. I have all this junk, I am not nearly good enough, and yet… he accepts me and loves me.

Max Lucado says it so simply and clearly.
“Our Saviour kneels down and gazes upon the darkest acts of our lives. But rather than recoil in horror, he reaches out in kindness and says, ‘I can clean that if you want.’ And from the basin of his grace, he scoops a palm full of mercy and washes our sin.”

Too often, I’m like this monkey- looking at everything a bit upside down. I get focused on what wrongs have been done to me, who has hurt me.

And I’m reminded that grace has covered me, and I need to extend some of the same. Thank goodness for grace, because I’m telling you- I could never get there on my own.