You’re going to think this sounds crazy, and I’ve started to write variations of this post many times before but always stop myself because I can’t let you see all the crazy. Not all at once anyway.
I was on my favorite
time wasting idea inspiring site, Pinterest last week, and saw this look. My first thought? Ooh, that’s my funeral outfit! Not for any random funeral, but for Austin’s. For quite a while I’ve had a list of songs to consider for his service and have always joked that it would be my excuse to buy new big black sunglasses. You know, cause no one gets to see me cry. I make jokes to cope, and I think I routinely look at things in a realistic way, to help prepare myself for what may come, while realizing that the worst case scenario rarely happens. And I look for ways to see the best in a bad situation. Since I believe that we’ll almost certainly find Austin one day through discovery of remains, to me a funeral is realistic.
It’s also something I am jealous of… because though it would mean answers we don’t want, it would mean answers. It would mean finally being able to explain to my son where his uncle is when he asks. It would mean having a complete story of Austin to tell my younger son one day, who never met him.
So this outfit is an odd combo of hope that we’ll have answers one day, realism that when we do it will likely be answers that hurt, and trying to make the best of things by thinking that at least I could look stylish through grief. So yes, I’m a bit crazy. But I do see all that in the photo.
p.s. except the shoes, with those I just see me with another ankle or knee surgery!