Meditation for Beginners

Meditation is an art, a long-standing practice that originated with someone very wise I’m sure. The ability to center one’s self, to breathe deeply and live fully in the moment is a skill that takes practice. I have visions of mastering this art, and being able to simply be still. Not just my body, but also my mind. To pray fully focused on my intent, to write fully focused on what I’m trying to convey, or to even play with my boys without wondering how quickly I can jump to the next thing.

If you arrived here hoping to find an expert, you’re so out of luck. I was tortured this morning with about 20 minutes of time in a dark room, in a fairly comfortable position, with therapy treatments happening on my back. 20 minutes with no phone, no books, no voices, no distractions. Just me and God time. Or it could have been me and me time. But instead it was me and God time for about 30 seconds at a time, broken up by moments of lost train of thoughts, knees begging to be cracked, a phone buzzing to be checked, before I’d come back to my prayer. I should be enjoying these moments of quiet, with nothing to do but heal and be still.

Instead, I’m searching for a book that must exist, Meditation for Beginners (or Dummies).

In the meantime, here are some things I’m trying, to help me find if there’s a hope for me in this mess of a mind.

– Accepting that for 20 minutes, three times a week, my only activity is being still.
– Putting the phone down more. I won’t likely ever be the person that forgets where their phone is for a day. It’s too much a part of my job and my goals with writing. But I can give my kids my full attention for more than 30 seconds at a time and just be there. (I wish this one wasn’t so hard)
– Just write. Many times I have too many thoughts and ideas flying around and can’t seem to get organized and settled enough to share them. I’m pushing myself to just start writing, and worry about editing later. It’s okay if it’s a mess.

 meditation

The biggest challenge of being still is the thoughts that come that you’d rather not face. Just a week or so away from the 6th anniversary of the last day we saw Austin, thoughts of him come often. Which lead to thoughts of our search and the lack of progress, which lead to thoughts of hopelessness. I wish that thoughts of Austin could ever just be the good memories, but I’m not sure that’s possible. So I don’t welcome the good memories as much either, because they turn into painful ones.

Thankfully, the painful thoughts usually turn to thoughts of hope and images of what the day will look like when we finally know. I still believe that it will be another painful time, one of grieving or more questions, because no matter the result there will be that. But I know who will be standing by our side, who will help shine Hope into the darkness, and know that God will use people like us to keep shining it for others.

But my best chance of shining that light is if I can be present and put all my energy into one thing for those moments I have. So, if you know of a book like Meditation for Beginners, or Meditation for Dummies, let me know!

Dreams

Only about six weeks after Michael’s last hospitalization (on Christmas), the next episode of Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome, began.  For four weeks, he was up and down, with us knowing we’d inevitably end up here, in the hospital once again.  It’s been over thirteen years of these cycles, and I’m mostly used to the routine and can tell doctors and nurses what the orders are or should be, who to consult, and can recite the medical history in my sleep. 

sunrise view, St. Johns River, Baptist Hospital

But I still hate it. 

I still have the little dreams of things that would make everything more bearable.  I’ve always hesitated to ask God for specifics, because I believe that praying for His will and praying that I can accept that and have the strength needed is what changes my heart, instead of just my situation.  But I’m now praying specifically and selfishly- there is only one possible area of root cause of the CVS that we’ve never explored, and that requires a geneticist.  And getting in to see a geneticist isn’t simple.  So we also need the support of our primary care doctor, and then still only might get in.  After years of having no hope for new things to try and test for, this small glimmer of hope that there could be more than we know, and that could lead to potential new treatments, is big.

That’s my new hope today.

But while I was thinking about that one big hope, I started thinking of other things that I might ask for too.  And while my main prayer continues to be for His will and for strength, I sure would also love:

– chances to go away as a family within a few weeks of the end of a cycle, since that is our highest chance of Michael having enough good days pieced together that we could really enjoy it and my kids worry less about their sick Dad than just about having fun.  (Not really realistic since finances and work schedules don’t play nice with last minute excursions, but maybe one day)

–  more flexibility in work schedules and less commuting hours so I could better balance/juggle the needs at home while still providing.  (I’m fortunate and grateful to work with people who are so understanding of the occasional need to make a hospital room my office, but doesn’t help the daily battle)

–  less fight with disability people to ease the financial burden. (thankful there is some, and thankful for God always providing, but this isn’t a cheap illness to manage)

– hospital rooms with sleeper couches and micro fridges (for a spouse who really can’t leave much, who has had such a room once, it’s the dream!)

Okay, okay, I can deal without the last one.  But God, as I sit beside my husband’s hospital bed once again, I do pray for healing, for strength, for a doctor willing to pursue our last avenue, and for help with finding ways to balance all these things.  You know it’s overwhelming and you know our needs, so I ask that you fill them in ways that we can honor you through.  No matter what you give us, we’ll do our best, but I do pray for these things.  For my husband, my boys, and myself.  Amen. 

Prayer Today

Emerson said “The wise man in the storm prays to God, not for safety from danger, but for deliverance from fear.”

This is a quote I really wanted to share today because it’s a prayer I must say a lot.  I still find myself praying for safety from danger sometimes, but more and more I pray for deliverance from fear, and find that when I do that, the danger is rarely as great as I’d feared.

This is a short post today as I think Emerson speaks all that must be said.  Consider praying for deliverance of fear in whatever situation you’re in today.  I’d love to pray for you too, so feel free to leave a comment if you’re comfortable leaving if public, post as anonymous, or send me an email.  

Waiting Games

Patience is not a virtue I’m gifted with. Waiting is torture, and I solve it with busyness to pass the time. But I’ve gotten to the point where waiting even 2 minutes sends me to do one more quick thing- send an email, check out Facebook, send a text or make a move on a game. I call it multitasking and being productive, but often it’s just promoting my sense of hurry up and do more in less.

Waiting for bigger things is even tougher. It is for most of us. We’ve been waiting 12+ years for an effective treatment for Michael. We’ve been waiting almost 5 years to find Austin. This week I had to wait 3 days for answers from medical tests, and now wait longer to hope the symptoms just resolve since the tests didn’t show anything definitive. My mom was dealt a tough situation this week that requires waiting. I don’t like any of these. I’d like to demand God to solve them all. Now. Please?

But that’s not how He works, and I know that though I still whine about it sometimes. Those are the days that things feel like they’re piling up, and the waiting is pushing my faith. I’m trying to see these times as what they really are, a time to learn through that push, to rely on faith even more. And maybe to have more to share with someone who is also waiting.

I’m making a concerted effort to use those more of those moments of downtime to talk with God. I’m praying for peace and a slower pace. And I’m still praying for answers, but with a little more peace about the wait.

Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. (NKJV)

Trying daily….. Anita

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