Changing Plans

I love a plan. I like knowing what’s going to happen, how it’s going to happen, and where it’s going to happen. And I’d like to know what will happen if the original plan changes. I sometimes plan for worst case more than best case, just so I’m ready for the tougher road.

But even then, the unexpected happens and I’m really thrown. Not so much on the small things, because for those I’ve usually planned to be flexible. (side note: I’ve always planned for flexibility or spontaneity which can seem like lack of plan, but is just my own crazy plan!). But when big changes are going on, I’ve always struggled.

That’s when I have to be reminded that I don’t hold the plans. I can’t see the whole picture. I can let go.

I never planned to be the sister of a missing person. Then once I was, I never planned to stay on this journey for a year, much less five. I never planned for a lot of other changes. Like having our youngest son, finding a new career path, making friendships with unexpected people, or having my mom part of daily life…. if life followed all my plans, I’d miss out on so much.

His plans are better than mine could ever be.

I’ll just keep reminding myself. A lot.



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Today

Hours do not have enough minutes. Days do not have enough hours. Weeks do not have enough days. Months…. well, you get the picture. We run out of time to do what we need or what we want. We make choices constantly on what gets our time because for most of us, not everything we want can be done.

I face this daily. And daily I feel guilt over it. I feel guilt because I didn’t spend enough time with my boys, didn’t get home soon enough to give my amazing husband a break, didn’t get tasks done on a project at work, didn’t answer every question my team asked, didn’t finish script edits for church, didn’t check in with a friend I meant to, didn’t make calls to get donations for the search. Then at times I feel guilty for not spending a bit more time on me to keep me from getting burned out so badly I have nothing left to give.

Last night we drove about 30 miles out of town and I had moments of dreaming of living out there, away from it all. Just me and the guys and a visit to town or visit from friends now and then. And then I remembered that I’d go crazy after two days.

I love all that I do. I’d love a little less of it, but I haven’t figured out how to make that happen.

So for now, I’ll keep doing the best I can. Today isn’t the day I become the world’s best mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend, employee, boss, volunteer or anything else. But maybe I’ll do good enough to make it one more day.



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